Almost enough
by deanpala
Summary: Jekyll is Lanyons soulmate. Lanyon isn't his.


Lanyon had always found the idea of soulmates ridiculous. He was not a romantic, and no scientist had found anything more concrete than what was already known: that everyone was born seeing black and white, but when they touched their soulmate for the first time they saw color, and when their soulmate died they would go back to seeing the world as colorless, a devastating loss to be certain.

He personally couldn't care less though. He could live just fine without color, and there was no guarantee that he would ever even MEET his soul mate, and no amount of worrying or daydreaming could change that.

That all changed though in college.

He had simply forgotten his coat in the lab, when he ran into one student who for some reason hadn't left yet.

And his world changed. It burst into a flash and the colors seemed to dance before him. The potions were green and the walls a light yellow and-

And his eyes, the eyes of his soul mate. They were a deep, deep, sparkling red, and he was so taken in by them he didn't notice the man rambling at first.

"I'm sorry what?"

"I was just- apologizing for running into you, I was just trying to find where they kept the hydrogen dioxide for my experiment and I was just rushing and not paying attention to where I was going and-" He looked rather nervous and the awkwardness was rather endearing as he held out his hand. "I'm Henry Jekyll it's a pleasure to meet you."

And his heart plummeted through the floor.

"You don't see it, do you?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Never mind sorry. Robert Lanyon at your service. I could help with your lab if you want, I've been around a bit."

"Are you certain?"

"Of course, it's no trouble."

Lanyon sticks by Jekylls side, always there for him as a friend and a mentor and he picks up thing about him, and keeps a small, mental list.

Henry loves macabre things, he's read every story by Poe and the short stories in the strand. He likes ridiculous cheesy theater and his favorite book is Frankenstein. He's in love with philosophy and psychology but for some ridiculous reason is convinced can be affected by chemistry which isn't lacking any love for him either. He slips stupid jokes and puns into normal conversations in such a normal tone that you may not notice until later that night and you have to let out a little swear. He likes Irish folksongs but doesn't ever get the words right, and his smile is shy and lopsided, and his voice is the equivalent of silk.

Henry is handsome, and passionate, and intelligent, and caring. And Lanyon is in love with him.

He is his soul mate, and the fact burns his heart with both pain and joy.

Jekyll has a soul mate. A nasty little man named Hyde, and when Jekyll tells him the news with both joy and anxiety in his voice, he feels a great sense of shame that he cannot hold up to a ruffian, and he feels as if he is dying.

Sometimes Lanyon has dreams were his soul mate is a beautiful woman who loves him back, and it always leaves him feeling hallow.

He has a brief fling with Jekylls maid. He thinks that perhaps he can force himself to be normal, force himself to not like men.

Force himself to not like Jekyll.

It doesn't work, and later on she sees the colors when she touches hands with a young werewolf.

"Tell him." She once told Lanyon. "Dr. Jay deserves to know."

He says he'll think about it but it's a lie.

He can't afford to lose Henry.

He avoids Hyde at all costs though Henry desperately pleads with him to meet the man.

He knows that despite Mr. Hydes reputation, he does not deserve what Lanyon wishes upon him. No one deserves that.

Robert wishes to stop feeling like he is broken, or a first draft that God has abandoned but accidentally forgotten to scrap.

There is a fire and all the lodgers must run. Henry doesn't react the way Lanyon expects him to, there is no frantic running around, or a façade trying to keep everyone together. He just sits down quietly and hangs his head low. Robert later learns that there were two casualties, the vivisectionist and Hyde.

He doesn't tell Jekyll.

Jekyll already knows.

And he can't quite make himself feel guilty for the feelings his soulmates disappearance gives him.

The first words Henry says when he comes out of his stupor are not to ask about the society, or remark on the death of Hyde. His first words are "have you found your soul mate?"

Lanyon swallows thickly. "No." He says, because what else can he say?

"Good, avoid it. Soulmates can only lead to pain."

Lanyon knows that, he knows it better than anyone, but he cannot say it. Instead he asks, "But didn't you say they make the world more beautiful than you can imagine?"

Henry gives a small smile at that. "Yes, but the cost is far too high. Soul mates make life more beautiful and terrible than one can comprehend."

He doesn't know what to say to that, and so he says nothing. Bit by bit Henry gets better but he never returns to his former self.

For one thing he can no longer sleep alone, so they start sleeping together.

Lanyon isn't quite sure how he feels about it.

On one hand, he cannot deny he loves waking up to see Jekylls face every morning. On the other, he wants to do so much more, but he knows it can never be. He can never kiss him, or hold hands, never cuddle late at night, and it's killing him.

Lanyon throws himself into helping rebuild the society. He needs the distraction.

"You did not need to take care of me."

"I wanted to. You're my friend. You would have done the same for me."

"You would not have needed my help. You are so much stronger than me."

"Henry, you are not weak, you went through something nobody should go through."

"Other people go through it, and they don't end up like disasters."

"Other people can go fuck themselves.

He finally slips up one day.

Jekyll is trying to get his life back in order, he really is, but it's just so HARD because he never bothered to label his salts and potions, but now he can't see the differences in them.

It frustrates him to no end.

"Lanyon, could you please hand me the purple potion?"

Lanyon does, and it takes all of two seconds before Jekyll realizes what it means.

"You didn't tell me you met your soul mate."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Who is it? Who is she?"

"It doesn't matter Henry!"

"I told you mine! I told you right away! I thought you valued our friendship enough not to keep secrets."

"It is because I value our friendship that you must never know."

"It can't be that bad. Is it one of the lodgers? Who are you endangering our friendship for?!"

Roberts throat closes up for a moment as he realizes he will lose Henry either way, and he is so TIRED of keeping secrets, so he goes out and says it.

"You."

There is a long silence. "Henry, please say something."

Jekyll doesn't respond for a moment and when he does, it's not in words, it's with actions, with hands and lips, and it's everything Lanyon has ever wanted but it's wrong, he knows it is and it gives a sick feeling in his stomach.

He forces himself to pull away.

"Stop. We need to talk about this first."

"What? Why?"

"Henry… I am not Hyde. You can't just replace him with me. We- we can't. We won't work." And god he's shaking, he can't handle this. "I should go."

"No! No please- please don't. I'm not replacing him, I just- I- I can- I can try, I want to try! I want to try with you."

"You want to try to love me?"

"I already love you. So much that sometimes I feel I'm going to burst."

He knows it's true, but not in the way that matters. He knows that Jekyll loves him deeply, would die for him even, but not in that way.

Not the way he loves him.

"No you don't, it's- it's not the same."

"I have a duty to you as your soulmate."

Jekyll pulls Robert toward him again and he almost leans forward. Almost kisses him.

Almost.

"I can't." He backs away slowly.

"Don't you want to?"

"Yes, more than anything, but I won't. You don't have any obligation to me, and you don't want to kiss me, you want to kiss him. I won't let you do this to yourself, I won't let you lie to both yourself and I. It's not worth it."

Jekyll squeezes his shoulder and nods, pressing a brief, chaste kiss to his forehead before he lets him go.

"You are right, and I don't deserve you. You're an amazing man Robert. You deserve a better soulmate, someone who can love you fully. You deserve to be happy."

And all he can do is laugh, because he had thought that same thing so many times.

"It doesn't matter. I would choose you anyway if I had the choice."

It hurt so bad, but he was used to, and he didn't know what he'd do without the pain, without the love for Henry. At some point the constant ache in his chest twisted and morphed into something resembling joy.

He might never find love the way he wanted it, but he found a friend who cared for him unconditionally.

And sometimes, that was almost enough.


End file.
